Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

   any non-drinkers wanna trade a liver for some really good stories??

   Men aren’t as emotional as women because evolution realized early on that you can’t kill a spider by sharing your feelings.

   Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself ……………………………………………from negative $hit.

   I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.

   never volunteer to demonstrate anything

   I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.

   Your p0sts make me wish I couldn't read.

   Love fades....bacon is forever!

   I'm not lazy. I just absolutely, passionately, wholeheartedly enjoy doing nothing.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings..

   Don't worry, we'll keep orbiting the sun without you.

   It's damn funny when a wife think's she's punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..

   Egypt Power and Light reports all 10 customers without power...

   Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.

   It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car.

   Sorry I unliked your pic. My girlfriend ordered me to do it or I sleep on the couch tonight.

   I formally apologize to anyone who knew me way back when I was a teenager.

   jUSTIN BIEBER..........Really, 60 miles an hour? But to be fair, Bieber was in Florida. Anything over 20 miles an hour is considered drag racing.

   it wrong to ask someone with a eye patch"was it all fun and games up to that point?"