Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   In preparation for 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button? Who watches porn and thinks, "You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends."

   Great Thanks to these doushbags, now I gotta get a background check for a pressure cooker at Sears......

   I think people should start adding carnivore to their bio, like vegetarians do. That way we're all clear on everyone's daily meal plan.

   As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.

   There's a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.

   Why do they still use smoke to singal the pope vote? Don't they have a twitter account now?

   When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.

   Met Taylor Swift at the airport this morning and complimented her on her dress. Now she's sitting in a tree outside my window in a wedding dress with a guitar..... This can't be good!!!

   The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....

   Abracadabra!! Nope. Your still a fucktard.

   The saddest people in the world always seem to be the nicest.

   if you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!

   Remember how simple and happy life was before you met me? Yeah…I am sorry about that.

   Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help

   Just tore the tag off my mattress and there's nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

   Does anyone know when the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony is set for Ferguson this year?