Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 128 of 6451

House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
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03-03-2018 09:16
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My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation
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03-04-2018 09:52
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Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.
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04-04-2017 07:48
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I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
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04-15-2017 02:13
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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
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05-07-2017 08:42 by Gump
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Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
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06-02-2017 08:35
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I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
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07-19-2017 07:13
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My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.
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07-21-2017 07:50
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People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.
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09-15-2017 00:24 by Moon
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The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.
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09-24-2017 11:02
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Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink
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09-28-2017 21:42 by markf
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I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories
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10-12-2017 07:34 by Eddy
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Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.
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11-15-2021 10:53
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Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word
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12-05-2019 14:15
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I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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12-05-2019 11:22
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And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
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12-04-2019 12:21
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Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.
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01-07-2020 12:17
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