Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

   Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.

   We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

   Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?

   “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

   Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.

   My boss said that I intimidate coworkers. I stared at him until he apologized.

   I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.