Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.

   If you grew up playing “lawn darts” with your siblings, your parents had too many kids and were trying to thin the herd.

   The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me when I was a kid but now they just whisper something stupid I did two months ago.

   Copy and Paste this status if you think Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending us never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   My new boss walked into my office and asked me if I had a sec... I replied, "sure, I have lots of secs!" Things have been very awkward since then.

   * asks plastic surgeon " can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?"

   I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like "Damn, where you get all them cards?"

   My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.

   When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don't accidentally kiss a dog.

   The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

   My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

   [Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.

   Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

   Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

   I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

   Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen