Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

   today. for the first time in a long time. I checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

   Just saved a guy from drowning by throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline. He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

   I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.

   I'm so old this is like the 10th time they said the world was going to end, and somehow I've always survived.

   I always confuse reptiles and amphibians. OK to be honest, neither one knows what I’m talking about.

   “You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.” My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

   Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

   Sadly, the Coronavirus has better coverage than T-Mobile.

   Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937 With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch

   Shout out to all my homebodies.

   Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger

   Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

   A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the sh*t is placed.

   Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."

   The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?

   Thankful saturday: The saturday after Thanksgiving when all your relatives have finally gone back home.

   Some people like set an example. I prefer to be a warning.