Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's wash day, and we're bringing the Maytag.

   Marriage tip: If your wife comes home in a bad mood and starts an argument for no reason like she does from time to time, just use this simple phrase: "My mom was right about you". This usually does the trick and stops the argument.

   The thing with older women is you never know whether you're in the vag or a wrinkle.

   Due to all that's been happening lately, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   What exactly is meant by a "Digital Creator"? Sharing the same boring memes we've all seen a million times?

   I don't know what I'd do without Instagram there to show me unrealistic photos of women I never see in day to day life.

   Arresting someone for saying the elections are rigged is one thing. Inciting a mob to overthrow an election is another.

   There is more than one way to skin a cat but the cat doesn't like any of them.

   Arresting someone for saying the elections are rigged just further proves that the elections are rigged.

   Marriage tip: Let me teach you about dishes. When you come down to the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes, if you're the husband just ignore it! Just let them pile up higher and higher until your wife gets tired of seeing them and does them herself! �

   If a case the Clap spreads,wouldn't it be considered an outbreak of the applause?

   Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember

   Someone called me a f*t f**k. I wanna know if that's an adjective or a verb.

   Sucking balls yesterday

   When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams still have all of their timeouts.

   Steel chair vs everybody

   Cars

   I respect your right to freedom of speech but I don't have to agree with what you say. And...guess what! That's okay!

   I think our dog is a Scientologist.

   While speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, Sleepy Joe accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what he knows about Africa is based on “The Lion King.”