Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saving daylight? Who am I, Superman?

   Do you know why the call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   Oh, Daylight Saving Time, why hast thou forsaken us?

   I drove to town today to pick up my replacement glasses , you wouldn't Believe the people I ran into .....

   This may not be my Circus, and these may not be my monkeys . but I know all the clowns .

   Fair warning: If I see anybody wearing a Santa Claus hat before Thanksgiving I'm going to give them a wedgie, whether I know them or not.

   I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

   If you sit down too much ,do you understand ?

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   My angel sent from above. <3

   MARTHA ! You do have your medicare card. I don't blame you.

   A Karen just yelled at me in a parking lot that dressing up as a bum for Halloween is offensive to the homeless people. But I was just wearing my regular clothes.

   My eight-year-old just asked me if Bingo was the name of the farmer or the dog. Now I am questioning everything I thought I knew about life.

   Lol lmao

   Okay, we got the message. The guy from 'Friends' died.

   Sometimes I think Facebook needs a "Slap you in the Face" button.

   I'm not turning my clock back an hour on Nov 1st because seriously none of us need an extra hour of 2023.