Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you? Bi-yourself.

   I got kinda excited when this young woman said that she was interested in me….. she was doing research on the elderly.

   What's aciaemA?

   Here's a pacifier for you. Don't forget to take it with you when you leave the country!

   yawA oG aciaemA ekaM AGAM

   Jesus: "Why couldn't my Dad wait until they invented velcro?"

   Common sense has been replaced by uncommon sense. Thank you, and enjoy the buffet.

   Freddie Mercury: Voted the single most favorite vocalist of women over 60, yet who can only name 3 of his band's songs.

   "The Pope was a very good Christian, but not a very good Catholic."

   I'm pretty much still in control of most of my bodily functions last time I farted, it was almost all gas.

   If Pope Francis reappears in 3 days, I don't know what to tell you.

   What's the difference between Karate and Judo? Karate is a form of self-defense. Judo is what bagels are made of.

   Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to “Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!”?

   Jesus had a lesser known brother named Mordecai. He was unpopular for his much reviled practice of changing wine into water.

   Hi, I'm a bimbo. I never have anything substantive to say, but I post pics of my low-cut blouse exposing my knockers and get more attention than a car with a flat tire stopped along I-95.

   Take THAT, ya J€w baztidz.

   We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails!

   "Sometimes you just need to disconnect and enjoy your own company"

   As I sit here kind of hazy, I wonder is it me, or all the rest who are crazy?

   I know the feeling. The lady in the vegetable sections at Publix Supermarket was getting frustrated with trying to open one of those plastic bags. She recently had plastic surgery but you should have seen the face she wanted to make.