Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

   People with handlebar mustaches should be forced to box kangaroos.

   WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?

   always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.

   How do you get wine stains off of a cat? Asking for a friend.

   Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots

   Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   Woke up naked and sweaty and I didn’t even get laid.

   No matter how much you shake your peg...... The last drop always goes down your leg.

   I have come to the conclusion, that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all of my missing socks.

   With all of trump's space force talk. Will he soon refer him self as the new rocket man?

   Trump to visit the U.K. in the next two weeks. That will only give him 14 days to learn how to speak english.

   When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.

   I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.

   Both corn and beer looks the same on the way in as they do on the way out.

   I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

   Hooray! Won't have to watch Golden State vs Cleveland in the NBA finals for the 5th year in a row. :)

   I think maybe I'll move to Lexington, VA, buy the Red Hen restaurant, and convert it into a Chick-fil-A.

   Who has no heart, brains or courage? The tinman, scarecrow and lion. Who did you think I meant?