Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love that feature facebook has that saves so much time scrolling the news feed you can find by going to settings then scrolling down the menu to the last botton on the bottom called log out.

   Had the most amazing dream of my life last night I feel as if was like a revelation that could change my life and possibly the lives of millions of people around the world for the better forever! if I could just remember what it was about?

   News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.

   Elvis Presley moved Priscilla to his house when she was 14 years old. Where's the outrage over this?

   Daddy, do I really need secret security clearance to give the president a hand job?

   daylight saving time starts sunday. Translation tired for a week.

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a new twist to a classic practical joke.

   When I die I hope my life doesn't really flash before my eyes. There is some $h!t from my past I'd rather not see again.

   Welcome to your 40s, you don’t even know why but you’re angry.

   Our first lady will be doing a live show. Will there be a pole involved?

   It looks like you're trying to defend someone's policies, would you like to turn on Caps Lock and disable spell check?

   I have a very rigid exercise routine, involving daily jogs to the fridge to see what I have to eat.

   AOC = arrogant obnoxious chick

   If confidence is shamelessly wearing your pyjamas in public at the grocery store, then yes, I am confident.

   I have severe attachment issues. I struggle with attaching my keys to my key chain.

   Demi Moore is French for half a Moore.

   Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and the box of chocolate chip cookies preferably within arm's reach.

   I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.

   You know you love your wife if you've ever written a hush money check to a porn star on Valentine's day.

   Every time I see one those signs handing on a telephone pole saying "Work From Home! Make Great Money! It's Easy! Call 1800 yada yada yada I can't help but think, if it's so easy why's someone out there working so hard hanging signs?