Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...

   If I die after I pay rent I need y’all to sit my body up on my couch until the 31st of that month. I want my monies worth

   [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?

   Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

   Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

   When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

   Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

   *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientis

   "Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]

   If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

   Talk about blatantly forcing yourself on El Paso.

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   I love you, #GreenShirtGuy. I'm cracking up with you.

   Oh great, the Dow Jones is dropping faster than Melania's panties at a photoshoot.

   Does Moscow Mitch have teeth? He's always gumming.

   So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!

   I've always been a night owl who likes to get up early. See my dilemma?

   I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.

   A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.

   MTV turned 38 years old today so lets celebrate 18 years of music.