Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works

   I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.

   And his opponent, coming down the aisle, from Sheffield, Alabama, weighing 180 lbs, he is Moscow Mitch McConnell!

   There are still areas in the Middle East without peace and where women don’t have equal rights. I was certain Jared and Ivanka would have fixed that by now.

   Yesssssss!!!!! A recession is coming!!!! This is the greatest day of my life!

   I hope the below pays tens of thousands of dollars on healthcare since he thinks he's a big man, paying full price for his healthcare.

   I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.

   Does Chewbacca have 2 nipples like a human or two rows of them like an dog??

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles on repeat.

   Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always silky. He had to condition it.

   The Dow Jones is way down. Yay, I'm so happy!

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Current president.

   Why are all the porn sites down at the same time? What am I suppose to do now, my job?

   Trump has been under investigation for two years. None of his enemies has committed suicide.

   Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom. They ask "Shall we put it on your bill?"...He says "Are you thupid! I'll thuffocate!"

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   Researchers at the University of Minnesota say movie theater popcorn may cause memory loss. See, that explains why Hollywood keeps making the same movies over and over again.

   my body: please, eat something green me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

   Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

   From my 12yr old: "My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application"