Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   single...and you're going to have to be freakin' awesome to change that!!

   such a thrill seeker. when I see "caution wet floor" signs, I speed up.

   waited patiently in line for 'free willy', only to discover it was a film!

   ... This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting...

   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

   ...They called it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken....

   ...Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines...

   ...Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...

   thinks you should know that you don't HAVE to be crazy to be my friend...but it helps!!

   now friends with Mili Vanilli

   versatile..........put him in any position and he will always perform

   just saved alot of money on his car insurance by threatening his agent with a golf club!

   You're not invited to the party in my pants because you don't know the difference between your and you're.

   : Aspire to Inspire before you Expire!

   just Googled his Twitter all over your Facebook

   will write you a love song unlike that Sara Bareilles b**ch

   stuck in the moment - well it is actually more like wedged. I think I may need an advanced escape maneuver. So glad I have that Special Forces training to fall back on in these situations.....

   I want a new Drug. One that won't hurt my head. One that won't make my mouth too dry. Or make my eyes too red

   News update! "Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery!"

   a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect