Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   reading a book on the history of glue. and can't put it down

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

   It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!!

   surprised how we live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police...

   just saw barbie sitting on pinnochio's face screamin "lie you damn puppet, lie!!"

   doesn't care if his neighbors see him walking around in his Spiderman boxers. It's Tuesday!

   knows you laugh at him because he's different. He laughs because you're all the same.

   feels like a Fruit Loop trapped in a box of Cheerios...

   anyone who says it's as easy as taking candy from a baby, has never tried taking candy from a baby!

   gotta feeling tonight's gonna be a good night.

   The neighbor's kids are named Titus and Judah. Either the couple is Greek, or they smoke ALOT of dope.

   put the wrong socks on the wrong feet this morning.

   wants to procrastinate... well, not today... perhaps tomorrow!

   Thinks Women are like scratch-off tickets… There fun to do, ….. Most of the time they turn out to be losers, …. If your lucky you'll get a winner, ……. And in the end you spend more than you get!

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

   If ten percent is good enough for God; it should be good enough forObama...

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.