Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes I could measure how much of my life has passed me by while I played with my iPhone. . . Maybe there's an app for that.

   wonders why people think squirrels are cute. They are after all, a rodent like a rat except they have a fuzzy tale.

   Due to an increasing number of terrified friends, I'm going to have to change my profile picture !!!

   loves to go to Washington - if only to be near his money.

   thinks it's unbelievable how pretentious some cat owners are. I could never be like that with my Dostoevsky!

   has just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors!

   not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am...

   If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

   Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

   thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field

   likes to fill up the bath, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's jus been hit.

   What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?.....The cold shoulder.

   sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

   breaking up with his flirtatious imaginary girlfriend in hope that his seductive mythological lover could become more allegorical....

   I'm so old. I remember when "flash memory" meant "ability to recall guys in raincoats showing their naughty bits." Those were simpler times for sure!

   divorcing her liver and requesting alimony.

   To boost sales,I think fast food chains should add an adult toy to there value menu.

   loves knowing she isnt the only one facebooking it up all alone when the rest of the world is cuddling it up.

   I am fixing to pull out your voodoo doll. I suggest you brace yourself...