Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the Dread Pirate Roberts.

   : Ahhh, fall is is the air... and on my lawn, and on my car, and on my driveway...

   I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.

   lets play guess who I am? ok here we go, My arm itches, my neck itches, I'm shaking, and my lips are ashy. What am I?

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in her shoe till the end of the day

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in my shoe till the end of the day.

   got some new underwear today... well new to me anyway :-)

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life

   had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

   everyone hs photographic memory, some just don't hv th film

   hates it when people use the term "FOLKS". Are we on Green Acres?

   Today I met the sweetest, funniest, hottest guy in the world!......then his boyfriend showed up :(

   Me Chinese, Me Play Joke, Me put Roofie in your Coke

   As if weighing 400 pounds didn't call enough attention to yourself,

   What has 148 teeth and can hold back the Hulk? My Zipper :]

   You are feeling sleepy... you will obey me... you will take off your pants...

   you are not a PC, you are a human being

   Money cant buy hapiness..But it can buy a reasonable facsimile so close that the average human being cannot tell the differance

   Why is it when someone's girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs a man's penis and says good job?

   has an overwhelming urge to forcefeed anorexic teenage girls grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches until she can no longer count their ribs.