Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on an alcohol free diet. so far i've lost three days

   Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. Thanks for being the pee in my pants. : )

   maturity is knowing when and where to be immature...

   wonders if vegetarians can eat animal crackers.

   So, the officer did not think it was funny when I hung my a** out of the car window at the movie theater and shouted "Check this new moon out"!

   Just call her the Carpenter's Special: flat as a board and never been nailed.

   says Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. And I have the Restraining Order to prove it! LOL

   just hacked into Santa's computer. All corporate executives will be getting coal this year.

   Anything you say will be held against you. "Tit".

   so looking forward to seeing "New Moon". Wow! An emo-kid vampire movie? How original!

   stocking up on Twinkies and shoe polish so he can replace Oprah in 2011.

   oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt....

   Santa..he's pretty lucky..cuz he knows where all the naughty girls are at..that's why he's so jolly you see?

   if you bet an emo kid 20 bucks that he won't kill himself, you'll either be 20 bucks richer or break even

   so I slept on a park bench last night..no hobo

   i named my two goldfish 1 and 2, because if 1 died I still had 2

   After much prayer and months of careful thought, I have decided the next season, season 25 will be the last season of the Oprah Winfrey Show.

   thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it!

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.