Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... or the cctv footage

   I figured out why I can't get off this damn computer......I have a farm to Harvest, Fish to feed and a zoo to keep up....FML!

   sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street, smack them on the chest, yell 'YOU'RE IT!!' and then run away.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

   Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

   went to a doctor and got tested positive.. for being the shiittt!

   Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

   I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

   I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it

   I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

   I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

   Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

   Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets