Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What are three wordsTiger woods doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

   At least Tiger Woods was being truthful when he told his wife every morning that he was off to play 18 holes.

   Use "can of whup-ass" only, as whup-ass is not sold in jars, squeeze tubes or resealable bags.

   When I have kids, I'll teach them about Krampus. That should prevent "naughtiness." Google it.

   know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

   Girls we love for what they are; men for what they promise to be.

   : “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”

   After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

   I'm dreaming of a melty turquoise Christmas. And sugar plums are fighting lesbian dragons in my head. This LSD-nog is fantastic.

   wondering...have you ever felt like a fire hydrant and all your friends were dogs?

   needs a divorce from you, Facebook. You're no good for me.

   an expert on escaping padded cells and straight jackets

   : Dear Santa, For being so good this year, can I get a look at that naughty girls list?

   What are three words a man doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   Recently the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" passed away at the age of 104. His last words were, "I can't believe that's what it's all about."

   Turns out Tiger was getting more 'tang than a thirsty astronaut.

   just found out my mom is the 10th mistress to be linked to Tiger Woods.

   weed is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

   my english is getting gooder and gooder