Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

   just because you take a picture of a lawn chair, make it black and white, and write 'Summer 09' on it doesn't make you an artist.

   If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I thinkit's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

   Love is a matter of chemistry,sex is a matter of physics.

   Sex appeal is made up of 50% of what you got and 50% of what people think you got.

   People have to recognize that the "do-it-all-mom", as the saying goes, often ends up doing everything but "it".

   Italicize words to give your status that gangsta lean.

   wondering why Tom Brady's baby looks like Tiger Woods.

   : Santa Claus reported his naughty girls list stolen, Police comfirm Tiger Woods is the prime suspect.

   : Does that mean Santa knows where all the naughty girls live? No wonder he's so jolly!!

   voted most likely to get "slapped" in High-School

   Monkeys use sex as a way to end an argument....One of my favorite techniques as well

   considering applying for a job as a news anchor. I already exaggerate stories to the billionth degree every day, but now I can broadcast them to the world!

   the difference in Tiger Woods and Santa is Santa stops at 3 hos.

   just accidentally started a turf war in his neighbourhood

   Order a pizza from Papa Johns today NATIONWIDE-- they are making a donation to the families of the four fallen police officers in Lakewood (WA) - all pizzas sold on Tuesday, Dec. 8 and Wednesday, Dec. 9. ALL proceeds to a trust for their nine children

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!

   Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.

   Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.

   Oompa Loompa, doompadee do, Tiger's got another alleged mistress ... or two?!