Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   singing...I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go....

   Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

   Two goldfish in a bowl. One says to the other "If there is no God,who changes our water every week?"

   I was born a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.

   Did you hear about the gay dwarf? He came out of the cupboard.

   can't wait to watch his favourite Christmas movie, "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"

   James Cameron's new movie "Avatar" comes out next week. People say it will be as successful as "Titanic". Not the movie. The ship.

   wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head..

   ๑۩۩๑ MY KINGDOM ๑۩۩๑

   If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed...always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions.

   thinks a girls legs are her best friends.....but the best of friends must part!!!

   just invented a new parachute for morons...it opens on impact.

   on an Hedgehog's back, Wearing underpants made of cast iron.

   FML- facebook is my life

   reminds you that freedom isn't free. I had to pay $20 for some guy to get me out of my driveway.

   I spent my life searching the world trying to find myself; and when I finally did....I forgot why I was looking!

   Is global warming real or are the hot headed scientist to close to the thermometer.

   If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

   If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?