Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knows God is no mechanic, but he gives great repairs!

   borrowing money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

   not fighting his way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

   reminding you that Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

   Talk about global warming..I just saw a Tiger on the Appalachian trail

   was surprised to find a Christmas present from last year while getting the decorations out. The kids were all excited as I opened the box. What a pity it was a dead puppy

   A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.  He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing...... 

   If it wasn't for my random sputterings insane ramblings and wild hallucinations I'd be as normal as you.

   never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version.?

   's age is very inconsistent, I wouldn't be surprised if it changed again next year.

   Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for 'lesbian'. It has been changed to 'vagitarian'. 

   thinks Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

   My phone says it's nippy out. I don't know why it says that but it seems to be true...

   I plan to only eat aberdeen angus beef for every meal in January. aberdeen angus beef that has been slain by my hands. my BARE hands!

   I never thought I would live to see the day that someone made a 'Piñata Endangerment Awareness' group...

   People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

   you have the voice of angel, you sound like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

   As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings > Privacy > Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook anything. Copy this to your status to warn your friends.

   Electricians even know that there are "male" connectors and "female" connectors on wiring and such. You can try plugging "male" to "male" or "female" to "female", but it's a ludicrous effort.

   doesn't matter... golf is still boring.