Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I call you a "HO" these final days of 2009, it's only for the holiday purposes... *smirks*

   hates Know-It-Alls, because if you really knew it all, you would know I think you a shmuck!

   Wants Santa to bring me one of the hot girls thats on his naughty list

   wondering why iceland is green and greenland is ice? Silly Vikings!

   about to put a broom stick in your turd cutter

   Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

   found a midget nest today! I am taking the egg home for further study.

   Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.

   An ideal mind is a devil's workshop...mine is a warehouse!

   happy and he knows it...but refuses to clap his hands or stomp his feet.

   thinks a foolish husband gives his wife an old piano. A wise husband gives her an upright organ!

   considering taking out a loan and purchasing a yacht so I can decrease my deficit *Universal Health Care Bill logic*

   santaclaustrophobia.

   says The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them ... But it cheers you up when you let off a nice silent one and walk away........

   I am relaxed and its FREAKNG me out !!!!!!

   some people are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk!!!!!

   Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth...

   I think sweatshirts and sweatpants should be called something different. Who was the idiot that said, "hey, let's name this garment something that let's everyone know that it's purpose is to soak up bodily fluid!" That's DISGUSTING!!! Perspire attire?!?!?

   Santa: If you ignore my actions during weekends (& sometimes the workday) and all the Vicodin I took, you'll see that 6 out of 12 months, I was a good boy, which makes me 50% good. It's up to you- see the glass half empty or half full. Do the right thing!

   I've always disliked the IRS, but now I wonder if I've had them all wrong. They sent me a letter stating that they were going to start garnishing my wages at the beginning of the year. That is so thoughtful. Wonder what they'll use....paprika, parsley, ch