Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I was so happy about David Koch kicking the bucket. Next time I'll try and be more tactful, like Trump was when McCain died.

   Don't blame me for the world's problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

   Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

   Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

   I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining to you why you're wrong.

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contain real lemons?

   Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave Popcorn manufacturers: you touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

   No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number.

   Are there any medium rappers? They’re all lil’ or big.

   I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.

   I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn’t have legalized marijuana

   Imagine a world where everyone looked like their profile pictures.

   If you found your wife or husband on a dating website, it’s only romantic if it isn’t 3 years after you got married.

   I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were good years.

   me: hold me while I sleep anaesthesiologist: no

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   Trump was chosen to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, but he couldn’t go because of bone-spurs.

   Trump is basically King Solomon, but stupid. He can’t think of a solution to the country’s problems, so he just divided it in two.

   Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.