Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants a "people you may find attractive and would hook up with" section on facebook. it'd make things so much easier.

   now has the plans for his deck and about to go get the lumber! Does anyone know where I can pick up some illegal aliens to come build it?

   says, I love work. I can sit and watch it all day.

   ...thinks the "vamps" in Twilight and New Moon look like a cross between The Cure & NSYNC..ooohh..such shiny white fangs too!

   when everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

   ..if people say they're "as honest as the day is long" does that mean they become less truthful in the winter?

   can no longer play Scrabble. Turns out he has Irritable Vowel Syndrome...

   found an alien, gave it some roofies, now I'm gonna probe it then stick back where I found it! Maybe it'll tell stories of being abducted!

   told by someone that swimming will get you in shape ......IF THAT IS THE CASE SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME WHY WHALES ARE SO effin FAT !?!?

   Can't get over the irony that they actually serve milk at "Hooters"

   gonna miss those cool New Years glasses where the two middle frames are the "O's"

   "Pocahontas" + "Iron Man" + "Surrogates" + "The Last Samurai" = Avatar

   Why is my flashlight always a case for holding dead batteries....

   In Soviet Russia, status updates YOU!

   1st day of 2010 and am thinking to my self 365 days of drinking to go, my liver is giving me a finger

   wants to know who threw up in my sink last night? reveal yourself!

   Happy New Year! Here's wishing my dyselxia better gets in 1020.

   thinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday.

   The confetti in times square, I bet that came from Edward Cullen farting.

   ate Oriental flavored Ramen for lunch today, and it tasted nothing like an Asian