Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NEEDING HELP, and I'll return the favor. Please send me 3 sets of fishnet stockings, 1 set of furry handcuffs (with key),4 bullets for my 9mm, 1 velvet blindfold, 4 soft cords, and 2 spinners for my Caddie in Hooker Town. Thanks

   We're banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it's okay to hump, and it's okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.

   wondering what to do for valentines day......... other than get drunk and listen to Joy Division while engaging in auto erotic asphyxiation to a discovery channel documentary regarding the breeding habits of the Fiordland Crested Penguin.

   there are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated.... Breast, Implants

   The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years and 11 months old.

   "Who Dat" if you think about the worst sports catch phrase of all time, I bet you can probably guess the demographic of the ones who coined it. Kinda sad if you think about it. It shows where the education levels are falling. Way to go Saints fans....

   They say you can't outrun a charging bear. But really you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun whoever you're with. That's why I only camp with slow people.

   has invented a time machine! Unfortunatly, it can only go about one minute into the future. Coincidentally, it takes one minute for it to work........wait a minute(looks around warily)

   always and never are two words you should always remember to never use....

   wondering how wealthy rappers stay so angry

   can I put on the Scream mask when I do you from behind

   needs 5 steel beams for his horse glue factory

   who needs LSD when you have Dumbo on dvd?

   asks do crowded elevators smell different to midgets?

   Remember: "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

   Farmville? Meh..just wake me up when they launch "Margaritaville"..

   thinking about creating a FB application "Governmentville" --where virtual money is paid to all the Farmville players just to let their farms go fallow...for several years....

   thinks people find me annoying but are too polite to say so, and I find that ...annoying.

   I swear FB. Your making me think my computer is all messed up. lol. How is this better than before? Your gonna make me start my own damn company...

   Alzheimers: You wake up and wonder who's sleeping next to you, where you are, what you did the night before, why you're naked..... kinda like college, isn't it?