Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to McDonald's for a salad like going to a brothel for a hug....

   Regardless of what my mom says, I'm pretty sure I would win a fight against a paper bag.

   when your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch.

   Ladies, if you have to stand in front of us picking you underware out of your butt you might want to consider jeans that aren't so tight they require us to watch that type of nastiness...

   The people at MapQuest must think everyone is an idiot. Is it really necessary to start the directions with how to get out of your own driveway?

   the only mystery Scooby Doo will never solve.

   Men Play The Game, Women Know The Score.

   He who runs behind truck is exhausted, he who runs in front of truck is tired.

   Every time I find the key for success someone goes and change all the locks

   I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─ This drug is effective for cases of chronic boredom. Warning can be habit forming and lead to addiction!!!

   I was just told that it takes three sheep to make one sweater. Wow. Thats shocking. I didnt know sheep could knit.

   feels like a hamster in his wheel - going nowhere fast!

   not all men are fools, some are bachelors

   wants to know what do you give a sick florist?

   his girlfriend has a black belt in cooking.... one chop and your dead

   the first step to failing is trying

   I was asked if i'd volunteer for Comic Relief at work. All i'd have to do is wear funny clothes,answer the phone,write a few notes,chat and joke with others and eat junk food. Of course I said "Yes". Who wouldnt want to be like their boss for just one day

   somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine

   the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about