Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   if The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

   she's got an A$$ that will make a grown man do the dishes!

   glad to see Obama giving Bush some recognition. He named the faultline under Haiti, "Bush's Fault."

   I may not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

   just heard that they took the gold away from lindsey vonn! they gave it to obama instead since hes gone downhill faster than anyone else!Use

   They say children brighten up the household. That's because they never turn out the ilghts.

   Weekends are like rainbows: they look great from a distance but seem to disappear when you get close to them.

   sorry that he cheated on his wife, hopes you believe in him again, and wishes these bruises from the 9-iron up his a$$ would heal already!

   Tiger Woods: "I regret leaving Buddhism for Bootyism".

   didn't know that Tiger was a Buddhist. Maybe it was all of those Buddha calls that got him in trouble.

   The more you watch Maury the less your kids look like you.

   …clearly they have no idea how funny it is when they give us the fish eye after a sneak attack…

   You know the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" ..... well for girls its " Why buy the whole pig, when all ur gonna get is a lil sausage...

   damn woman...you are like the herpes of drunk texting...you never go away.

   My uncle once told me, believe in yourself, work hard, and try not to have sex with other peoples wifes

   A wise old man once told me, I'm a wise old man so I'm allowed to touch you in the bathing suit area. He taught me alot of things

   surprised that, during his press conference, Tiger didn't give thanks for being honored with the Enviromentalist of the Year Award. The one he recieved for picking up all that white trash.

   all the while Tiger Woods is thinking "Once again, the provebial excrement hits the oscillating air device. . . "

   So my buddys status said "Standing on the edge of a cliff." So I poked him. I don't really like him that much.... yeah you know who you are.