Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my daughter asked me, who is that boy on American Idol? I said his name is Ellen Degeneres

   south africa is the only country that will host a world even in a sport they cant play

   Telling my nephew that leprechauns store their gold in electrical sockets and that he'd need a fork to get it out probably wasn't a good idea.

   -- Liking your own facebook status is like a bloke congratulating his hand after a w**k!

   Wishes you the best of luck in life!! Everyone else already knows your screwed!!

   Was at a pet store when a gerbil went "WOOF", then I noticed a gay guy behind me!!

   Tough decisions... Beat off in the shower and waste water or use Kleenex and add to landfill? What can I say? I love Mother Earth and big t*tties!!

   It is not pre marital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   wish every relationship i've been in had a 30 day money back guarantee!

   Why did the chicken cross the roa... *thump*thump* Nevermind.

   Greeting cards are for people who mean every word someone else said.

   The word of the day is LEGS..... Ladies please spread the word.

   Don't be afraid of rejection..It hurts, but you won't die from it.!!!

   Amy Winehouse has completed re-hab and claims she is clean & sober. She also wants to be known as Amy Grapehouse.

   whats the main difference between a vacuum cleaner and a harley davidson? The position of the dirtbag

   An error has occured: User performed an illegal operation when they got out of bed. Return user to bed to continue.

   says you look like... I need another drink

   When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead

   ever realize how similar Porsches are to porcupines? Except the porcupine has pricks on the outside....

   the first to the fridge, the first to the couch, and most importantly the first to the remote. What it is to be a true champion......