Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am only the bigger person in an argument because I am fat, remember that

   That was terrible referring to Puerto Rico as a floating island of garbage. Everyone knows it's Haiti.

   Just for old times sake, I checked in on my Farmville. It's now a Wal-mart.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. first became angry.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   I have no idea what a HD is but the doctor just told me I have 80 of them Fuckers.

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   If there's a 'z' in the middle of a last name, they're Italian. If there's a 'z' at the end of a last name, they're bean poppers.

   Settle an argument.. If a man is doing laundry and sneezes is it ok to blow his nose in a pillowcase?

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

   He even fixed the ice cream machine 🍦

   I don't stand for women's rights. I sit for them... and have them bring me a sandwich and a beer.

   Clocks go back on November 3. I hope mine goes back to when people had morals, values, loyalty, appreciation, and respect.

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

   To all politicians: Keep sending me texts and I can promise you one thing - I won't be voting for you!

   I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said, "If it gives you more trouble let me know".