Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For the person who picked on you in school, stole your boyfriend/girlfriend from you, spread lies and rumors about you, didn't help you in anyway possible....all of a sudden......wants to be your friend on Facebook.

   If you hated taking quizzes in school, why the hell are you doing them on Facebook......and putting them on my News Feed?

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't.

   it's illegal to sleep in the nude in Minnesota. Like Really? What are the officer's gonna say if I answer the door clothed. "We had some Complaints..."

   Cyber sex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded Starbucks.

   just saw a commercial for the Hogwarts place at universal... so down to take shrooms and go, who's down?

   I can't help but notice the majority of People Magazine's "Never Before Seen Photos" are photos I have no desire to see at all..

   I need to throw that guy a "get a life" jacket...

   just went to recycle some bottles and cans at the food store, the return area wasnt open yet, I went into ask them to open it and when I came out a crack head stole my cart and was running down the block with it.

   wish life was a bed of roses!!! I would do nothing but sleep all day!!!

   boy you couldnt pour piss out of a boot if the instructions was on the heel!!!

   Then you aint to proud to clean up some oil are you? o btw I hope you choke on a crumpet

   says the last argument was his fault. She asked what was on the TV, he replied "dust".

   Last night I said to the wife let's get rated R. So I pulled down my pants and she cussed and punched me in the face.

   every time Sarah Palin speaks, a moose dies...

   Don't worry... I'm a doctor on the Internet.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus, not a Ford Multi-task.

   If I had nothing left to complain about, I'd complain about that.

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks