Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spiders are "just bugs"? Oh then I guess king kong is "just a monkey" huh pal? You kill it!!!!

   says 'gardening' is what it's called when adults want to play in the dirt!

   To all those who look down on me; I'm tearin' down your balcony.

   woke up with the song Wonderwall by Oasis in my head, along with the word "portmanteau" for some reason... some days I feel like if Freud were still alive he'd look at me, shrug, and say, "Fuck, I don't know man. You're on your own with that one."

   dont make love in your back garden! love is blind but ur neighbours arnt!!

   Wondering why people with food stamps drive escalades?

   Whats the definition of Necrophelia? Its that irresistable urge to crack open a cold one.

   Why is it I always get on an airplane to ultimately get seated between someone that doesn't believe in deodorant and someone that weighs 300lbs? This is why people hate flying

   would like to thank the guy who invented air conditioning, but a big F#CK YOU to the electric company for trying to charge to much to turn it on

   There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

   I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it...

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel...

   I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted...

   Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

   I saw a sign that said "DRINK CANADA DRY" so I moved to Toronto.

   don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?

   Some day Bristol Palin will tell her child "I made $15,000 a speech telling kids how to avoid making a mistake like you!"

   When I was a kid, Cheerios only came in one flavor.

   The cops came to my house earlier saying that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said, my dog doesn't have a bike

   you can pick your friends....you can pick your nose.......but you can't pick your friend's nose!