Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when people steal my ideas before I think of them.

   a Blonde just texted me and asked "what does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"

   Facebook has just suggested I poke my wife . . . Yeah good one facebook . . . Been trying for weeks . .

   woke up my wife this morning. She started feeling my face with her eyes closed. I asked her what she's doing and she said "Looking for the off button."

   The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What ..does a woman want?

   I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry sh*t makes me feel like a p*ssy.

   Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.

   If love is blind does that mean divorce is lasik surgery?

   If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.

   As a taxpayer, I demand police escorts for emergency situations... Such as trying to get Ice cream to work from Braum's before its melts...

   I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.

   She didn't make me pay before she gave me service........... So I paid her in Trident Layers.........

   likes reading FML stories because it makes my life seem Amazing!

   Get off the phone while you driving and while your at it, pick a lane and stick to it

   I just saw a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar together. I have a feeling something funny is about to happen

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

   Canadian teen idol Justin Bieber scored a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. It's official, the world is coming to an end...

   wouldn't the world be a better place if girls were like DOGS , always naked

   Canada still up there? Somebody really should check now and then.

   Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.