Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ahhh...STRESS!! Cafe mocha vodka valium latte to go PLEASE

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

   I Didn't Marry You Because I Wanted To Live With You.., I Married You Because I Couldn't Live Without You...

   If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?

   Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

   A cop walks up to the car, " you know why I'm standing here?" "Because you got all C's in highschool?"

   went in to Zoomers tonight for a pack of gum and the clerk asked if I had gas? I told her I did earlier but I was feeling fine now. Some people do not have a sense of humor

   So if I get stopped by a cop in AZ and they ask me "Papers" and I respond "Scissors!", who wins?

   wondering... if my mom fell down in the woods would all the trees laugh?

   You all wouldn't know funny if it came down and slaped you upside ur wall..

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

   Today my heart will do all my thinking. It gets free reign to walk barefoot in the grass.

   Toothbrush: "Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!" Toilet paper " Yeah,right."

   thinks that I could have a very successful career a male model. Unfortunately, I would have to be the "before" picture. Eh, its a living.

   I know you need a wish right now, wish right now .. but quit postin song lyrics on my wall !

   Yes, I admit it. I want to see the Dalai Lama arm wrestle the Pope...

   Stupid bloody garbage trucks waking me up at noon.

   I'm petitioning Crayola to replace the "burnt orange" crayon with "burnt snooki"

   Some people use the power of positive thinking..... others you can be positive that they're not thinking

   Sorry, quoting bible scriptures to me isnt going to convince me. I could quote "Stars Wars" or "Twilight" and it would be just as profound.