Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

   Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

   It’s like all of my wife’s friends say - stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

   Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...

   I'm pretty sure Jesus never taught people to only look after themselves and to ignore the poor and hungry.

   Just so you know, only looking out for yourself and abandoning everyone else isn't very Christian like. You know that's true.

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   If aliens ever flew overhead and observed me walking my dog leading me around with a leash picking up his poop behind him I wonder if they would confused who's in charge of this world?

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   I'm just playing devils avocado here

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

   Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?

   FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

   I'm dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

   You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.

   Want to know the secret to success? Delete your Facebook account.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   Want people to leave you alone this fall? Tuck in your sweater.