Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die I have 2 wishes. #1- Scatter my remains throughout DisneyWorld.... #2- I don’t wanna be cremated

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.

   Death Star II: *explodes* Spirit Halloween: *opens a shop in the wreckage*

   Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man.

   Men are so weak this days. Girls gotta date like 3 guys to make a full man.

   That’s not my fanny pack. That’s my stomach.

   there anything worse than getting interrupted during sex? Especially when you were about to achieve your big O.

   Cardi B's music hits different when you turn it off

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.

   Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

   Oh, you have anxiety? Name 5 friends who secretly hate you.

   If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.

   Those were not boos. They were alternative cheers.

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend then as an adult I had thousands of them, until I deleted my Facebook account.

   Have you ever noticed that lOl looks like a man drowning?