Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She said "I think we should see other people." What I heard was "I already have a guy who's been on reserve for months."

   I feel bad for the guy who smoked poison ivy during the trial and error phase of what will get you high, and what will kill you.

   I've got this amazing idea that I don't really understand and have no idea how to explain.

   Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.

   I thought they put covers on books SO I could judge them.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   Seriously considering quitting my job. The lack of cellphone service makes it incredibly hard to avoid working.

   Greek philosophers had some gangster names.

   To the Gentlemen, I'm Miss Fortune. To the Ladies, I'm Sir Prize.

   : now with 25% more vitamin C

   okay here it goes.. like this status.. and I'll drop kick you down some steps then stab you with a fork

   my Facebook password is your girlfriends name

   my daughter is 6 years old and she thinks she needs thinks a training bra...if you still draw outside the lines with your crayons I think you should wait baby...

   listening to her dishwasher washing, her clothes washer and dryer washing and drying, her air purifier purifying and thinking what an awesome multi-tasker I am.

   I got My space and Facebook mixed up this weekend... I kept telling people come on My-Face!!!

   My girl can't hear loud noises when she sleeping, but when a ant tiptoes across the floor she jumps up like gunshot were fired

   People who hate hand gestures: I salute you.

   Life isn't fair. Especially when I'm involved.

   just taught my 4 year old son how to make stick people out of tampons

   can wait for my high school reunion, he is going to be so mad I stole his girlfriend