Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life lesson # 1,987- the Time I filled out an app for a job at the day care, and under "related skills" I put - Teaching kids how to make stick ppl out of tampons".. Ya, Mngmnt dont like that!!!! - just saying!!

   I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn't get with the program.

   To this random person talking to me here in line at wal mart while I'm typing on my phone.. itd funny how you think I'm listening!

   Just witnessed a man purchasing Tampax at Walgreens. This man deserves bonus points!!

   We can put a man on the moon. Create a device the cooks food in minutes if not seconds. We have GPS and smart phones. But we can't even cure the common cold??

   You should never use cowboy builders but after what is going on at the Commonwealth Games in Delhi you should steer well clear of Indian ones too :)

   I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.

   whoever decides when breakfast is over at McDonald's, F*CK YOU.

   WANTED: Hoarder to come and gather up all my random sh%t and drag it back to their hoarding lair.

   Why ask me if I'm up when you text me at 3 in the morning and I answer it?

   Someday we'll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.

   A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress

   says "The key to my heart are attached to that knife sticking out of my back."

   a woman of many moods...and they all require chocolate

   Sex,drugs & rock n roll are all very well, but nothing beats a nice cup of tea.

   Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

   I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?

   I always thought about joining the debate team but I already know I would get kicked out for saying "Yeah well F**k you" when the other team makes a good point

   Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !*

   Lindsay Lohan is so dumb that she wanted to move to Afghanistan......because she heard girls could get stoned there.