Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at the nail salon & a lady working there asked me something. I couldn't understand, so I asked my nail tech to tell her that. He turns and said to her, "She stupid, she no understand". thx a lot nail tech..no tip for you! ha

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   Excuse me miss I believe your ass is on fire... let me help you put it out

   In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   the 11th commandment; Thou shalt not mess with Leroy Jethro Gibbs

   finally catching up with my emails…..ballon boy?…..how crazy is that?

   why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   I want to date a girl with an accent. Well....maybe just a really slow girl that sounds like she has an accent. I'm not picky:)

   Men like hot showers. Women like scalding hot showers that cause any man in the shower with them to act like a wussy b*tch about it.

   I would dress up like a Kardashian for Halloween but it's difficult walking around with a vacuum up your ass to get the pulled back face look.

   Italy seizes $30 million from the Vatican in probe. Nice to finally see the Catholic clergy on the receiving end of a probe.

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.

   I really hope that my last words in this world are: "I wonder what this does..."

   Lindsay Lohan's upcoming film could be derailed by her failed drug tests. That is, unless her acting gets to it first.

   I know it's my kind of bar when the bathroom door has a sign that says: "No couples. One at a time."

   Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."