Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Salsa, Olives, Sour Cream Dip, Spread it on a layer of Tortilla Chips, You add some guacomole and some melted cheese, your mouth just made a touchdown right here on NBC!

   Brett Favre just sent me an inappropriate text message....I guess it's not that big a deal...I'll just wait two years before I tell anybody... Yea...

   I wonder what would happen if everyone decided to call in sick on Monday..

   My friend called me a fatty today... If I wasen't busy eating my fried twinkie I would of slapped him

   You ever fire up your leaf blower and blow your neighbor's chihuahua down the street??

   I am sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

   Was playing air guitar and ripped her spandex while doing a mock stage dive off the sofa!!

   For those of you who like to STIR THE POT..be sure you get a good grip on the handle!!

   anything more annoying then a stupid person who clearly doesn't know they are stupid!?

   Problems are only really ever a problem when you let them become that way . Keep it simple !!

   Wait, you're telling me that if I kill off and entire culture and take credit for discovering a land I in no way discovered,I'll get a random Monday in October off from work? Only in America!..... Happy Columbus day!!

   In preparation for the end of the world in 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   is a straight ally and today is National Coming Out Day. I'm coming out for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality because it's 2010 and almost 90% of LGBT youth experience harassment in school, and too many lives have been lost.

   ‎"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."

   Monopoly pieces make McDonalds food taste so much better!!!

   In preparation for 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying...

   Today needs an eject button.

   Michelle Obama has been picked as the world's most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place:............. Justin Bieber.

   On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.