Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so miserable without you, it's almost as if you were here.

   in America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary

   Ever think about some of the things we say? Exactly how does a person "turn up misssing"?

   why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable... Like a coma.

   At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

   Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better. Because I answer.. .

   Do not drunk dial or text tonight. Note to self: come back and read this at 3am

   drink up! And happy birthday to somebody somewhere.

   THE ANSWER TO AGE OLD QUESTION OF HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL TOOTSIE POP IS...... 277. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE AFTER HALLOWEEN I HAVE HAD 637 OF THEM

   you'll always be my hero. even though you've lost your mind

   There once was a man named Hawking, who got bored of walking He got on a scooter, attached a computer, and now it does all of his talking

   without a doubt the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.

   Working with 4 women and married to another, I don't forsee being a polygamist anytime in my future

   I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   Guess what? I've got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.

   Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila

   money isn't the key to happiness? then where is the key? hidden in a stupid box somewhere, like in Pirates Of The Caribbean?

   Breaking News... President Obama travels to India to visit former American jobs...

   The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.