Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if I tell my kids I'm calling Santa, will work after Christmas too!

   Hopefully Kate Middleton knows that being decapitated for not producing a male heir is part of the deal.

   Got an email about seasonal jobs as a “package handler”. Had to check to make sure it was for UPS and not the TSA…

   I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.

   its ALOHA Friday no work till monday !!!

   Changing the face can change nothing. But facing the change can change everything.

   I'm stuck to the couch. I think I'm half man half sofa now. Just call me a mofa.

   Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?

   I just googled the word ''anagram'' and it said, ''Did you mean: nag a ram?'' Well played, Google. Well played.

   The worst thing about calling in sick today is not being able to post last night's rage fest pictures until this weekend.

   Wedding's in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   I hate whoever invented 6:30 am

   When people say "don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful" you shouldn't answer with "Don't worry, I have plenty of other reasons to hate you."

   Relationships would be great if it wasn't for all those feelings.

   I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.

   waiting for everyone else to post their birthday message on my buddy's wall so I can cut and paste the one I like best.

   I'm wondering which is worse; the fact i'm is talking to the toaster or the fact that the toaster is talking back

   has a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and starting to smell

   I'm having a Deja vu of Christmas posts

   Just gonna stand there and watch me roar, but that's alright because I am a dinosaur.