Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

   *At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

   At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, "I’ve had good endurance my whole life." Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.

   I hope I'm still alive in 48 years so I can ask on 2/4/68 who do we appreciate?

   I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my wife is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

   My TV got hacked at Superbowl halftime. I saw a Puerto Rican Strip Club on Spanish language channel, old crotch grabbin' hussies.

   Trick Daddy and Trina are not Super Bowl material. They are barely toilet bowl material.

   Out of towners gonna think Miami is just a big bowl of Maduros

   So how does this work? Do we send our dollar bills to the NFL or do we pay JLo directly?

   Why can't Mexican learn to speak our English language? I've learned to eat their food!

   On my next geography test, I'm putting down Kansas City in in the state of Kansas.

   the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

   Can't wait for my favorite holiday on February 15th known to single people as 50% off Valentine's Day Cake and Candy Day!

   I just got gas for $1.99! And no it wasn't at Taco Bell.

   The Superbowl halftime show will go down in history as "The Vag Chronicles."

   Valentine's Day. The only day of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   With Valentine's Day just around the corner if you're secretly in love with me and would like a candlelit dinner with flowers and candy, it's to late shell out all that money, but talk to me talk on the 15th and maybe next year.

   YAY! Mr. Peanut back.

   Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.

   If someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs!