Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still embarrased about what I did for a klondike bar....that was 2 years ago leave it alone people..........

   My least favorite part of Sunday mornings is being hungover when you have to find a place to hide the body.

   a friend is someone that cares but a facebook friend is there for you even when there sick in bed

   Got MLK?

   Missed the golden globes...My life is over... Now I only have 20 other award ceremoniess to watch that pertain to the same thing.

   Private eyes....Are watching you....Listening to your every move....

   Taboo jeopardy is a lot more fun to play. Maybe because I know the answers.

   If I ever kick the bucket, can I get one of you to wipe out my computer and empty the top drawer next to my bed?

   The Golden Globes are on, wonder if Charlie Sheen will win for 2 and 1/2 men or is that One man, 5 hookers, lots of Alcohol and a bag full of cocaine..

   Be quite brain or I will stab you with a Q-tip

   Tom Brady has to go home and plow his Super Model wife now cause it will be the only was he is scoring anytime soon

   Does anyone else see the irony that the game "Monopoly" is made by one company?

   there a special place in hell for those people who update their facebook status in church?

   if you think weakness can be turned into strength, I hate to tell you this buddy; but that is another weakness.

   I knew that my son was special when I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he told me "retarded"...

   finished reading Facebook... My stalking journey is complete.

   sick of reality television show...If I wanted a dose of reality, I'd look out of my freakin window. -_-

   sometimes you just have to like the judge and executioner dead in the face and tell them "no restraining order will keep me away!!!"

   The second amendment is in place in case the government ignores all others.

   When this girl at the art museum asked me who I like better, "Monet or Manet", I said "I liked mayonnaise." She just stared at me so I said it again, louder...Then she left... I guess she went to find me some mayonnaise.