Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saturday morning wife took me in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."

   Yesterday I watched an old man fishing in a puddle outside our neighborhood bar. So I invited him in and bought him a beer..I thought I would humor the old man and ask him how many fish had he caught today. The old man replied, "you're the eighth."

   This status is brought to you today by the neighbor's router.

   I don't get why people pay $600 or more a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   People say "love' is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

   They say women only use 10% of their anger

   I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think.

   Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

   At what age do you stop needing deodorants and start smelling like mothballs? (Asking for a friend.)

   I think it’s pretty cool how the media could cure the Corona virus with a bigger news story.

   President Obama set up anti-pandemic programs in 47 vulnerable countries, as a way to protect against something just like Coronavirus breaking out across the world. Experts begged Trump to keep them open. He closed 37 of them.

   Im 100% convinced, the Coronavirus is nothing but a l*beral plot to take down Trump. I hate libt*rds so much!

   Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries. I just tried to vote for a real estate agent...

   My farts don't stink & are silent... So! I went to see a doc, Long story short, I've got a hearing & sinus problem.

   i would not pray for you, nut below

   My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

   You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

   Tom work hard. Tom tired. Tom need break. Tom book Caribbean vacation. Tom Cruise.

   Just find out there’s no popcorn on popcorn shrimp. Guess there is no reason to try Pot Roast ‬

   I won't consider myself successful until someone follows me around with a cooler of gatorade to dump over my head whenever I win at anything.