Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid the guy across the street from us was in the Mob,really nice guy too,every morning he would pay me $10 just to start his car for him.

   This Just In: Jimmy Carter to skip Trump Inauguration.

   Got a hot new dieting tip for you. Just fill up your car's fuel tank and you'll be too broke to buy groceries!

   Jimmy Carter attributes peanuts, rampant inflation, and his Brother Billy kicking the bucket in being instrumental in his reaching 100 years of age.

   Diego Rincon is now morongon.

   Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

   Overheard a lady saying she won't let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like "jumping in puddles". I watched Road Runner as a kid and haven't blown anyone up with dynamite - yet.

   Alright we got Christmas presents out the way where my W2 at

   How is January this week, next month, &’ next year

   "Who's taking you home on New Years?" State troopers, probably

   Ending my year pregnant! Starting my year pregnant!

   there a sale on stupidity, cause that shi* is everywhere.

   The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

   One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’ His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

   This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie: “If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

   One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

   If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

   Donald’s New Year countdown: 10, 9, 8… wait, is Greenland for sale yet?

   In Canada, we start the New Year with resolutions. Trump starts with delusions.

   Trump says he’s all about fresh starts for the New Year—except for his hairline, that stays the same.