Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some guy: "Bro, I got a limo for me and my friends! In your face!" Me: "Wow. You have 90 dollars."

   I got an air fryer because it's healthier. Of course along with my air fried pork chops I had 5 lbs of mashed potatoes with a stick of butter and a Key Lime Pie for dessert.

   One good thing about daylight savings time is the clock in my car is finally correct!

   Out of toilet paper, will trade you one new roll for 5 gently used rolls

   Forgot we have to turn our clocks ahead today and was really confused how I spent an hour making my coffee this morning.

   Virus or no virus, cruises hold no appeal for me. It's akin to a 5 star house arrest that's centered around overeating, which I can do quite well in the comfort of my own home.

   Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   since camping spoons are white, are they still considered "silverware" or should they be called "whiteware" ?

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the leader of the free world should be pissing his pants.

   My wife and I do it Doggie Style: I sit up and beg then she rolls over and plays dead.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks ahead tomorrow so we have one less hour of Trump.

   A sure sign of a bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can't help you.

   This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.

   I don't think of it as losing an hour of sleep this weekend. I think of it as being an hour closer to breakfast.

   Man with Corona Virus seeks women with Lyme disease

   I used to drink a lot in the '80's. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona virus and should not be quarantined any longer. WHO let the dogs out

   Daylight Saving Time arrives tomorrow. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   Remember last election they said its Bernie or bust. So they voted for trump. Its still going to be Bernie or bust. So they will reelect trump before joe.