Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Right now, millions of people are mourning the fact that their President was born in this country.

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.

   heard Barack Obama is demanding to see Donald Trump's death certificate.

   Why are the people who tell you to calm down always the ones who pissed you off in the first place?

   thinking since we can get President Obama to show us his birth certificate... I'm now wondering if Sarah Palin's boobs are real? ;)

   Hey, hustler on the corner... you know what drug I would buy from you? Claritin-D 24... but you never have any.

   Went bowling last night.... because I like jamming my thumb where a million other people have jammed their thumbs.

   Am I the only one who has ever deleted a 'friend' just to use their status that was funny?

   Royal Wedding+Media=Dead Horse

   the only thing I find more interesting than the royal wedding right now is everything else

   I hate when I have a dream about fighting someone and then waking up and being pissed at them for no good reason

   If facebook is going to block me from making new friends then it shouldnt suggest them at all

   i dont trust people with so many studio photos

   Driving home today I saw a guy in a pink snuggie jogging. Sadly that's not the craziest thing I've seen in this town.

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to proceed

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist

   If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?

   non-stop coverage of the royal wedding in the US! The news acts like we are a former English colony or something...

   thinks Donald Trump needs to produce a birth certificate for that thing living on his head.

   My neighbor is having such a hard time, he was divorced 2 months ago and then broke his wrist this week- I told him look at the bright side, now you can change your relationship from single to its complicated