Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.

   I asked the waitress if I could ask her a question about the menu, please. She said the men I please is none of your business.

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   Those three magical words: “Where’s the plunger?”

   I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

   Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

   I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

   Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.

   I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

   Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

   I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

   Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

   Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.

   I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

   I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting

   Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

   What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

   Deep thoughts by Johnny Quarantine. Minnesota votes to disband police department and go with a community-based public safety program. I’m assuming this community-based public safety program will be comprised of police officers who recently lost their jo

   I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .